Or why they will vote for Bo Zo.
Now, I could fit into the Tory party membership tribe, well almost!
I am white, male, well over 60, pretty daft most of the time, I was brought up in the Home Counties, do I need to go on?
As it happens, I could only countenance joining the Tories as some kind of destructive entryist with a view to bringing about their total downfall. But I hope that their blind love affair with Johnson demonstrates that they need no help in that direction, fingers crossed.
Given the huge litany of character faults evident in the man, my view of him needs no further explanation, but those of a similar age, race and gender to me clearly take a different view.
I think it is worth taking a little time to consider why. Regular readers will not be surprised to hear that I have a view, an idea, that I am keen to share with you.
I suspect that the main reason that he has so many supporters is that they agree with the things he has said. That may not sound like a radical suggestion but bear with me.
I am not just talking about the “respectable” policies he propounds, stupid and haphazard vote catchers though they may be. After all, who could argue with anyone as mercurial as Bo Zo? If you disagree with him, he agrees with you. Simple! Next!
No, I am talking about the disgraceful things he has said, written, and allowed to be published under his watch, along with his actions and inactions. These are the things that everyday Tory folk feel they should express vague disapproval of because it is the PC thing to do.
Well, for a start, they know that Bo Zo agrees with them that PC-ness is inherently bad. It is just that he can say it, and they don’t dare.
So here we are, my version of the true-Blue Tory Voice
NB For the proper effect all sections in italics below should be read in sotto voce, so to speak.
If all this is not bad enough, those vile Marxist media types claim that Boris is racist – what Tommyrot!
When it comes to flag-waving piccaninnies, things have never been the same since poor old Enoch was kicked out of the party and had to join the Ulster Unionists. Nice that we are back in touch with them again. Only Boris had the balls to say it.
Furthermore, what’s wrong with Watermelon smiles? I mean it’s not a turn of phrase that springs to my mind here in Tonbridge, but we don’t get many watermelons here, if you get my drift, or snowflakes for that matter. Well done Boris.
So, when he was an editor, he allowed a column through claiming that “Orientals … have larger brains and higher IQ scores. Blacks are at the other pole.” That is a perfectly respectable view and Boris didn’t endorse it, he just allowed his publication to print it. He merely demonstrated his commitment to free speech.
Surely the same goes for Letter boxes and Bank robbers. If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck… it certainly can’t complain about being compared to a duck, can it? Bravo Boris! Stout Fellow!
They also claim that he is anti-gay – but he only says what other, right-minded, people are thinking.
Maybe, he has been a bit promiscuous, but so what? It just goes to show that he’s a red- blooded male and not one of those awful blubbing tank-topped bum boys. Who said that? Oh, Bo Zo, of course. Sound chap.
Oh, and while I’m at it, who else would be able to say “… if gay marriage was OK…. Then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between three men, as well as two men, or indeed three men and a dog.” Without Boris that would have had to remain unspoken.
They generally try to blacken his character.
They talk about his rages, well, what do you expect? He is surrounded by people who insist on limiting themselves to facts, people without his vision, people without his ability to see things for what they really are! Transitory interpretations of actuality. Oh, and by the way, who wouldn’t feel free to yell “Get off of my fucking laptop” in the privacy of their girlfriend’s home! I must confess that I was a little concerned when I first heard this as I needed new batteries for my hearing aid and thought he was reported as saying ”Get off and stop fucking my lapdog!” Now that would have been more of a problem given his statements on gay marriage.
They also complain about his laziness when all he does is to delegate the detail to lesser intellects.
So, he accidentally said that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe had been working in Iran when she was detained, when the briefing note (and she) said otherwise. You can’t expect a man like Boris to read everything put in front of him, can you? People are calling that laziness!
Well! What’s wrong with laziness? Laziness comes of good breeding. It simply means that he is used to having “people” to do things for him. Spot on Boris. Leave the details to the plebs.
Having him on the world stage gave voice to many things that we had to suppress for years.
When he said that the Libyan city of Sirte would have a successful future as a luxury resort once investors “cleared the dead bodies away”, he was simply stating a fact. Why should that cause a fuss?
We all know, in our hearts, that the French are in fact Turds, but don’t dare to say that either. Boris has.
When he wrote a funny little verse about the Turkish President being a wankerer, I’m sure that many of my pals in the saloon bar of The Jolly Roger agreed with him.
When he cheered-on the scourge of Syria, butcher Bashar Al-Assad, I’m sure he had good reasons, probably connected to Britain’s oil interests or some chum or other of his. One has to admire loyalty to one’s chums.
When Boris said that Barak Obama was part-Kenyan, and that explained his actions, it made sense. It may not have been absolutely true, but he didn’t make it up, the US President did. There’s no smoke without fire though and I’m glad someone has the guts to say it.
And as for women, well, where to start?
Clearly Boris loves them in spite of seeing all of their charming imperfections and, like his friend Donald from over the water, he doesn’t feel constrained when talking about them.
His keen observations are pretty wide ranging: From female students going to university because they have to find men to marry; to comparing Hillary Clinton to a pouty-lipped, sadistic nurse in a mental hospital; to commenting on the hot totty at a Labour Party conference who were only there because of their natural fickleness, and being irresistibly drawn by the whiff of power. He also, apparently, suggested that voting Tory would enhance one’s wife’s breast size, but I’m still waiting for that to happen, and he has talked colourfully about women “mounting” the rostrum. But for my money, his biggest triumph of all was his motoring column where he commented on blond drivers waggling their rumps, his own superior horsepower taking them from behind, the ample bosoms of the SATNAV voice and describing “the whole county of Hampshire as lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by an Italian stallion”. Gosh, I always knew there was something suspect about Hampshire, but it takes a man of Boris’s vision to spell it out.
Anyway, all this stuff is just part of his boyish swagger isn’t it? I just wish I could get away with it.
Finally, they keep going on about numbers and even tried to sue him over the BREXIT bus thingy
Yes, we all know that Boris supported the claim that the UK sends £350 million to the EU every week. It was a really useful number and whoever put it there deserves a medal, not the threat of prosecution. It certainly helped to win the BREXIT Referendum, so what could be wrong with that? Our man Boris is a pragmatist, and that is what is needed in these troubled times. He can say things that I can only think, and my voice has been silenced for far too long.
The Tory cover-up mantra
So, in the final analysis Boris Johnson is the only man who can truly bring Britain together isn’t he?
He is the only man who can truly deliver BREXIT, and we all know that failing to do that by Halloween will make us all turn into pumpkins, don’t we?
But for the rest of us…
Lets go for the pumpkins shall we? Please god shine a light through our eyes, even if it is only a flickering candle!
I’m marching in London on 20th July, join in!
4 thoughts on “Every Tory’s Little Guilty Secret?”
Best one yet ! Pity it won’t be read by a wider audience, can we expect a similar tribute for Jeremy #unt ?
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That’s at least two of you who think it’s my best yet. I think you must both share a similar political view!
Seriously though, I can’t find a way to express my anger at the way that this stuff is going and the fact that a small, unrepresentative, number of Tories are being allowed to determine who is gong to control the rest of us at such a crucial time.
I am appalled by the way that the media are covering it and allowing/promoting it’s portrayal as some kind of democratic vote when it clearly isn’t. It has less to do with democracy than chalk has to do with cheese – which both contain calcium after all.
Absolutely, it’s not in the slightest anything to do with what is best for the country, it’s all about the desperate desire to keep the Tory party in government. To be honest it’s like being offered the choice of treading in catshit or dogshit, either way we will end up in the shit.
They’ll both be really difficult to scrape off the soles of our shoes- and will ruin our lives if they get their smelly feet under the table.