A Profit in My Own Land

or what the devil do we do next?

I’ve been keeping an eye out for places to squirrel away my surplus funds now that I can’t get out to waste them on fripperies in the shops and eateries.  I can’t even get myself offshore, let alone deposit any surplus cash there.

Just joking! The chance would be a fine thing! Although I must say after an initial lockdown stockpile splurge, our outgoings seem to have settled down at a slightly lower level.

I’m not sure what that makes us, apart from fortunate. The question is where should we go from here?

Now, dreaming about what I would do with what they used to call disposable income, I have noticed that many things I try to buy online from supermarkets end up being “out of stock” or “no longer available”, so what markets might be worth cornering?

Or should I take the longer view?

Clearly, it’s a bit late to jump on the Coronavirus bandwagon and , as I’m not a Tory or an Old Etonian, or even related to anyone rich and famous, major government contracts would only provide slim pickings.

The stock market would be a crock unless I had an inside track and was able to bet on a fresh upcoming disaster, but as I said, I’m not a Tory, or even a cynical Brexiteer so I’ll just have to resist those siren calls. Government bonds are just a way to pay for the privilege of lending money to the government and frankly, with this shower in control, I’d rather give more of it directly to some poor sod on a street corner. At least with this direct approach I might hope to qualify for the “what goes around, comes around” principle should I ever be in dire straits.

Dire Straits or Slim Pickings

OK so I’m no old rock star but slim pickings has been niggling away at me for a paragraph or so, and I’ve just made the connection. There was an American actor called something like that.

Yessiree! Google rides to the rescue! Slim Pickens, that was it! AKA Louis Burton Linley Jr. I guess his rodeo and stage name was a personal ironic take on the anticipated success of his acting career. I remember seeing him on the silver screen, sitting astride a nuclear missile, shouting Yeehah! as it hurtled the world into oblivion in Dr Strangelove. Ahh! Happy days!

Goods or services?

Anyway, back to the point. Isolation aids and lockdown diversions seem oversubscribed. Hell, even Lord, Sir, Brigadier General, Tom Moore (or whatever dizzy heights he’s reached when you read this) seems oversubscribed these days. There are more decagenarians doing their thing than public interest can stand, and gadgets and gizmos abound. Even the market for two-metre long cattle prods looks like being filled.

Maybe the smart money is in disaster planning, but I don’t think so.

Disaster planning is something that governments of all hues only pay lip service to, and there’s a real danger of humankind drowning in a lip-service pandemic, there’s so much of it swishing about in our ship of state already.

Carpet-sweepers, Whitewashers, Redactors, Deflectors

Maybe carpet-making could be the answer. Governments always need carpets – where else can they sweep the things that must not be seen?

Or, what about whitewash? Whoever corners the market on that should be able to make a killing, and get away with it later! That is after all the whole point!

I suppose report writing itself could be a pretty lucrative area of investment. This market could easily reach saturation point though, in spite of the tendency for governments to fall back on these things following enquiries of one kind or another in their eternal quest for scapegoats.  After all, there is only so much room under the carpets and, given the current downturn, I imagine that many internet essay/thesis writers for the lazy or incompetent will find themselves at a loose end.

Another bright idea is the redaction business. No self-respecting report is complete without a large dose of redaction. Heavy black marker pens, randomly applied, can bring even the most anodyne report to life!  There must be an angle there. Maybe a random redaction app.

redacted excerpt from DC Comics: BluebellMan in Castle Barnard

Prep for yet another doomsday?

Maybe there could be something in environmental disasters; although these get a lot of airplay, so everyone’s an expert.  Perhaps nanotechnology attacks may have some scope, or some kind of mass mental health disorder that provokes strange outcomes and requires everyone to move around in personal Faraday cage headsets to protect them from 5G+ signals.  Maybe some kind of material decay that corrodes brick and stone requiring all man-made surfaces to be treated with a reflective coating.

These things don’t have to be real.  They just have to sound scary enough to make people take preventative measures. They don’t have to happen, they just has to be plausible enough to convince people that they might. I could see my reflective paint flying off the shelves in B&Q quicker than I could mix it.

My PFCs (Personal Faraday Cages) could equally easily take the Nerdworld by storm.

Making Real Dough

One thing is sure.  Next time, and there will be one, it won’t be enough to have cornered the market on toilet rolls, and pasta, or even eggs, flour, dried yeast, baking powder, and so on. If we want to make real dough, we’ll need to go much further, if you get my drift.

May the Force be with you

Ooh! I’ve just had another thought.  How about a personal force field that envelops and protects the whole body from all things external?  Ideally it would cope with data incursions, insects, viruses and bacterial infections, maybe unwanted odours, and so on.  I wonder if there might be a gullible investor out there somewhere.  I’m sure it would go down a storm in the highlands and islands in the midge season!  Wouldn’t it be neat if, as you walked around, you had small “Zapping” events lighting up your personal periphery?   A bit like a toned-down version of those fly-zappers you see in kitchens sometimes.

OK, maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, but what about picking up on Trump’s idea of edible germ-killers?  Is it the alcohol content that kills germs?  If so we could be onto a winner. How about hand gel that doubles up as an alcoholic spread? Just like vaping, it only needs to be slightly less harmful than the risk of dying from whatever it is claiming to fix and Jim-Bob’s your Uncle,  You’ve cracked it. Clearly a presidential investment opportunity.

Where’s our Donald on the rare occasion that you actually want one?

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