or, Down, Down, Down: The Tory Party Leader’s address
Yep, Prime Minister Johnson, addressed the blank space that is the Virtual Tory Conference with the news that Status Quo were done for. He went on to explain that we have lost too much, mourned too many, been through too much frustration and hardship just to settle for Francis Rossi and co. Maybe he had Down, Down, Down in mind.
In a typical Johnsonian ramble, he managed to call up New Jerusalem, presumably soon to be annexed by Israel; The Greatest Place on Earth, that’s the UK in case you were wondering; the fact that the Measure of Greatness of our wonderful nation was that we were not going to let the pandemic hold us back, not gonna slow us down (Oh no, that’s Rick Ghastly); he dismissed the impact of the pandemic as “Ructions“; and looked forward to amazing transformations such as mass home ownership, electric vehicles, better broadband, and…wait for it….drum roll…Blue passports!
Overwhelmed or what?
Thinking about these exciting new prospects, these harbingers of a brave new world, I’m a bit concerned. I think that most of Africa has better broadband than the UK, mass home ownership was really a Thatcher thing, electric vehicles have been around since the year dot, and blue passports can hardly be described as an amazingly imaginative leap forward.
Still, let’s not be picky. He made a number of half-promises. He is going to Fix, Explore, Encourage, and Invest. How’s that for an action plan?
Fix Care-home funding – maybe government agents are, at this very moment, searching high and low for new money trees for the hard-pressed insurance industry. This might even involve the magic of averages, but more of this later.
Explore one-to-one teaching – “avapropaganda” at this one – it contains no actual commitment to do anything. It could consist of commissioning one of the already bloated government consultancy firms to produce a report. Providing they care spare the time from their other, already grossly inflated, income streams for doing bugger all.
Encourage 95% mortgages – This one may be a bit tricky because we have to find someone in the cabinet capable of nipping out for a bag of carrots to encourage the mortgage-providing donkeys.
Invest in new buzzwords like Green-collar workers for super-dooper new ways of spending public money with unaccountable crooks and cronies
He offered amazing insights like noticing that events such as the pandemic (or plague as he likes to call it when feeling theatrical) don’t just come and go, they change stuff.
He also discovered that pandemics have teeth and remarked that he is resolved not to travel back in time, but will keep the meter ticking over and do better. To that end we will learn and improve on the world that went before (before the plague that is).
Incidentally, if we are to regard this as a plague, it deserves a proper name. I suggest, in the UK at least, we call it the Blue Death, for obvious reasons.
He’s got his Mojo Working
He rubbished the idea of losing his personal mojo (God knows what year that could have been) and talked about “self-evident drivel”. Now this is an area where he really is a Global expert.
Fat Cats are Us
He also oddly explained that he was too fat – like the UK economy.
GO tell it at the Food Banks I hear you cry, but he continued unabashed. Having established that the economy was too fat, he mentioned that there might be people across the country who felt ignored and left out. I wonder where he got that idea from? Certainly not from the fat cats he normally moves around with.
He vaguely quoted his Home Secretary for thinking that the legal system was hamstrung by lefty Human Rights lawyers and other do-gooders. As someone pointed out on a Facebook feed, we don’t want any of that nonsense, do we? Human Rights? Doing Good? Heaven forbid!
Life’s a breeze
Still, upbeat as ever, Johnson explained how we are all going to be saved by Offshore wind. This technology is going to provide hundreds of thousands, if not millions of jobs in the next decade, so that the UK will become THE world leader in low-cost, clean power generation . He seemed to forget that it was him that once claimed that wind power would not pull the skin off a rice pudding, not someone else, but never mind. The times, they are a changing.
Downing Street later explained that they predict that around 62,000 jobs should be created by 2030 so I’m not quite sure where the remaining 1.38m jobs are going to pop up from if we are to make “millions” of jobs.
He has a cunning plan to sort out the injustice of care home funding by “bringing the magic of averages to the rescue of millions” so that should be fun. Abracadabra! More money for the private sector no doubt.
These are a few of his favourite things
Most of all, you’ll all be pleased to hear that he has had enough of this disease that attacks not only humans but so many of our greatest things , pubs, clubs, football, theatre, blah, blah, blah.
So that’s OK then. Why didn’t he say so sooner? Now they can print it on the bottom of all Government papers just like the message that we have have left the EU. That will make it so, won’t it?
Still you will be reassured that this whole shebang is to be led by FREE Enterprise. – Now that’s a misnomer if ever there was one! An unfettered private sector run by crooks and cronies that has already cost us billions since this crew of twisters came to power.
As a post script, REMEMBER TODAY’S GOVERNMENT MANTRA:
Don’t Do Good
You’ll have The Home Secretary after you