Or visit to the Viral Premiership in the Great Northern Poorhouse.
To All Government supporters
Now that your government has decided not to feed hungry children in the midst of a pandemic and to underfund those worst effected by your own policies, it must be time to visit The North.
Come to experience the fall of England’s once great Northern Cities!
These northern metropolises will soon be nothing but empty shells holding great heaps of ruinous mortality.
With the virus booming, don’t avoid The North like the plague.
Ministers should come and see real poverty at first hand and experience the effects of callous disregard from their Government.
Enjoy the spectacle of people being ground into the dust.
Watch, fascinated as young children go hungry, proudly demonstrating that they are not dependent on the state.
See what fun it is living on the breadline and imagining the joy of sinking even lower as your income shrinks
Roll up! Roll up! Come and see!
Stray north of The Midlands and experience life as it was in the nineteen thirties. Roll back the heavens, Blow ope the iron gates of death and Lethe. Come and step over the beggars in Dean Street, the destitute in Lime Street, the desperate in Briggate.
Bars may be closing, Businesses may be tanking, the spirit level of levelling may have gone bust, the Red Wall may need repointing, and the children may need feeding, but this could literally be your last chance to see life as it really is in “The North”.
Come see what wonders your government have wrought as they “spaff” our money on undeserving contractors whilst refusing kids a square meal and shrugging off their responsibilities.
Come and visit the Viral Premier League before it closes for good.
Come and see Blackpool, Blackburn with Darwen, Burnley, Chorley, Fylde, Hyndburn, Lancaster, Pendle, Preston, Ribble Valley, Rossendale, South Ribble, West Lancashire, Wyre, Manchester, Bolton, Bury, Stockport, Tameside, Trafford, Wigan, Salford, Rochdale, Oldham, Liverpool, Knowsley, Wirral, St Helens, Sefton, Halton, Barnsley, Rotherham, Doncaster, and Sheffield, slowly play out their days.
In spite of prolonged negotiations, to date no other areas have managed to gain promotion to this league, although all contenders are believed to be northern-based.
Or try the Viral Championship
If the Viral Premiership is too much for you, because of your government “Guidance”, at least take the chance to visit the rough and tumble of one of the Viral Championship grounds at Newcastle, South Tyneside, North Tyneside, Gateshead, Sunderland, Middlesbrough, Redcar and Cleveland, Stockton-on-Tees, Darlington, Hartlepool, Durham, Northumberland, Barrow-in-Furness, Cheshire West and Chester, Cheshire East, Warrington, York, Leeds, Bradford, Kirklees, Calderdale, Wakefield, Ashfield, Bassetlaw, Broxtowe, Gedling, Mansfield, Newark & Sherwood, Nottingham City, Rushcliffe, Chesterfield, Erewash, North East Derbyshire, High Peak ‒ the wards of Tintwistle, Padfield, Dinting, St John’s, Old Glossop, Whitfield, Simmondley, Gamesley, Howard Town, Hadfield South, and Hadfield North, before they too close their doors for good.
For the really squeamish, you don’t necessarily have to go as far north as this to get the broad idea because the Midlands and The South have a spattering of sides at this level too, with Leicester, Oadby and Wigston, Birmingham, Sandwell, Solihull, Wolverhampton and Walsall, Basildon, Braintree, Brentwood, Castle Point, Chelmsford, Colchester, Epping Forest, Harlow, Maldon, Rochford, Tendring and Uttlesford, and London’s 32 boroughs plus the City of London being included. It is to be hoped that a viral outbreak does not see off all of The City’s 10,000 inhabitants in one go, or they won’t be able to field a team.
Whoops! I almost forgot Elmbridge, who are looking to carry the southernmost flag of Surrey at this level. But let’s be serious about this, a trip to Surrey to take in the true depth of destitution won’t really cut it.
To Sum up
We have large chunks of the North of England in the Viral Premiership, with even larger parts of the North in the Viral Championships along with the West Midlands, and Leicestershire, all of London, and chunks of Essex.
In terms of the poverty promotion stakes, my money is on the northern Viral Championship sides making the leap to the top tier over the next few weeks, bringing an overwhelming preponderance of poverty to the northern realms.
So, come north and see life replayed as it was before the dark satanic mills closed.
As Dante, and possibly “Johnson the corrupt”, would have it :
“Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate”
Or, put more simply,
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.
Today’s MESSAGE FROM YOUR TORY GOVERNMENT
Line Your Pockets Help the Wealthy F*ck the Poor
MESSAGE TO YOUR TORY GOVERNMENT