The race to the bottom!

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Tory Leadershit Contenders

Given the publication of the Tory top ten, from which they are going to impose a Prime Minister upon the rest of us, it seemed to me that they were worthy of detailed and incisive examination. However, instead of that, I offer my completely unbalanced and unsubstantiated observations on what pisses me off most about each candidate.

All Slithy Gove’s gimbling seem to have left him firmly in the mire.  His friends are so happy to find a reason to dump him, it tells its own story. He wants to dump VAT and introduce a Trump-style sales tax.  No one has any idea what this means, but that’s probably the idea.

Jeremy the Hunt goes from rhyming slang legend  to Glory Hunter in his relentless pursuit of personal kudos by trying to pretend he is a business genius, whilst propping up vile foreign regimes because they are worth a few quid and hiding the fact that his department always wants to work beneath the RADAR in order to get the “best results for Britain”. He’s going to slash Corporation Tax to make sure that his chums are OK. Good omens for open government here then.

Dominic Raabish takes an ever-hardening stance on everything in the vain hope of hooking into a Vladimir Putin style appeal. If we get a series of topless photos, horseback riding and homo-erotic wrestling pictures on instagram, then I think it may herald the annexation of Islington.

Boris “Call me irresistible” Johnson (AKA Vlad the impala) is trying to be all things to all men/women/Tory Shirehorses and everybody else (unless they are poor or more foreign than he is). He hopes to succeed by looking hard and soft at the same time; not opening his mouth in public, so he can’t balls anything else up; being a “character”; and only musing in print to the converted in The Telegraph, where his output can be edited and no questions can be asked.  Never one to let previous promises get in the way of a good wheeze, or to let the facts get in the way of a good story. Dangerous, unreliable with racist outbursts.

Esther McVague  is pretending to be a public servant by ignoring the distinct possibility that a majority of the public might not want to leave the EU, or at least, might want a second bite of the cherry.  She is hoping that no one will notice that she used to be the public “servant” in charge of making life impossible for any members of the public on benefits.  Still, they won’t be voting Tory anyway.  She wants to cut the amount of money we waste on “others”. That’s those who have bugger all, but live elsewhere.

Sad git Javid wants to make life better for us all by cutting taxes for the rich. Maybe he could put an immigration emergency tax on anyone caught in a boat in the channel – providing there are no millionaires on board.

And realeadsom never seems to give up. Not quite sure what she has in her head but it speaks with forked tongue. She just makes things up. Apparently, at the time of the referendum, it was made very, very, clear that people were going to lose their jobs if we left the EU without a deal. No mention of the fact that she was part of the Project Smear Group that portrayed this as a complete fabrication by the government when she was encouraging folk to vote to leave. Now it has become convenient to say that it was always obvious! Of course the voters realised that and they voted to leave anyway! I guess she won’t stay the course. She didn’t when it was a two horse race.

Honest John Hancock seems to be a forward looking conservative who wants to stop banging on about The Corn Laws! About time one of them did. He’d also probably like to cut Corporation Tax a bit, just to keep big business happy. Stick with Honest John and you could see your national living wage shoot up to £10 per hour by 2022.  Looking at those figures he is planning on giving away a slightly less than 7% increase per year to people at the bottom of the pile without them doing anything! Not allowing for inflation of course which is targeted at 2% and is currently running at 2.7%.  Outrageous! The Tory Shirehorses won’t vote him in.  

Mark “The Unsullied” Harper – claims to be the only candidate who is untainted by being a member of The Maybot’s cabinet. Certainly the one that most ordinary folk have never heard of. Comes to it when even they regard not being in the present government as a good thing! He was the Chief Whipping boy for a while though. It is true to say that he is the real Greyworm, and may not have the balls for the job!

Jackanory Stewart – a One Nation Tory – On the downside they talk of him being in the Cameron mould.   Hmm, that sounds as though he’s got a touch of wet rot at home.  His voting record is generally against increases in benefits and for things like the Bedroom tax, and he doesn’t like central government spending money on local government services. So he could appeal to those who like that sort of thing.

However, in the unlikely event of him being elected he might just spend his time wandering the country taking selfies and talking to people.  Could do worse!

My favourite runner was the one that reportedly topped a recent leadershit poll where None of these came in at number one and rightly so.

What was that bit about no taxation without representation? I must have dreamt it!

As the Tory Party bookie says “You pays yer money and they make their choice”.

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