Why is everybody always picking on me? by Cyrus the Virus

Hi there,

CYRUS in his finery

My name is Cyrus, I’m the COVID virus and I’m just sick of everything being dumped on my doorstep!

Sure, I’m a pretty efficient virus and I’ve spread myself over most of your world in the past year, but not without a lot of help, and certainly not without straining every sinew (thanks to Matt Hancock for that overused phrase – credit where it’s due).

Look at it from my point of view. I mean, we’ve all got to get by haven’t we? I’d love to be able to claim that I did it all on my own, but I’m a realist. I know my limitations.

If I had really set out to kill you all, that would be like suicide for me wouldn’t it? I mean, I’d have nowhere to go, nothing left to infect. So, just in the interest of self-preservation, I need to keep most of you alive. However, you keep on making it hard for me. I am, after all, an organism with very little brain – in fact, no brain at all, but I guess you will claim that this is just like a number of human world leaders.

I still reckon that if you really want anyone to blame for this runaway success that I’ve been having, you need look no further than the bathroom mirror.

For a start, you’ve had loads of warning about me. You knew I was coming – you could have baked a cake. But no, you each thought that you were “special ones” and that the experience of others somehow would not apply to you! Sad or what?

What’s more, you are still at it! As a race you seem to imagine that you are the most resourceful, resilient life-form, and that you will exist forever, come what may.

Well, I’ll let you into a secret. If I was a betting strain, I’d nip down to Testfred and put money on my kind rather than yours, but as I said earlier, I’ve got no brain!

I don’t know what is worse: your politicians; your scientists; your pathetic news media; or just your own innate stupidity and determination to self-harm. It is really hard to apportion the blame.

However, politicians seem the obvious starting point, after all they are in charge aren’t they? Well, aren’t they? I know they say they are following the science but it looks a bit like your dear old mum following her horoscope.

With one or two notable exceptions across The World you would think your political leaders were on my side. As I said, they knew I was coming. Many of them had been playing “war games” years ago to see how badly prepared they were and what they should be doing to get ready. I had given them some real-life tests with Influenza and SARs but they still did what they always do best – Nothing! Diddly-squat! Bugger all!

When they finally decided to take notice they set up an organisation (The World Health Organisation) to tell them that they had to take notice, and then they quibbled, argued amongst themselves, and ignored the advice.

Many of them were more interested in laying the blame on someone else’s doorstep than actually taking any concrete steps to slow me down. I could hardly believe my luck! Still it gave me plenty of time to consolidate my position.

They looked at what each other were doing, they could see what was working, and then many chose to do something else. They were clearly gripped in an outbreak of NIH syndrome (Not invented here).

They locked-down, unlocked, partially locked, and partially unlocked; countries, regions, councils, cities, districts; and even set out a Tier system that grew and moved as the mood took them.

In the end, if there is ever to be an end to their folly, everyone (including themselves) had absolutely no idea what they were supposed to be doing.

They shut schools a bit, a lot, a bit less, and then a lot less. They then used the courts to force all schools to stay open for educational reasons (during the week of fun and games carried out in schools in the last week before the Christmas that they already knew they would be cancelling!) Even now, when they have been forced to decide to severely curtail Christmas festivities , they still intend to open up them Pearly Gates for one day only for those seeking the solace of farewell hugs and kisses at this festive season. Not for everyone though because they have belatedly put some folk in tier 4 where nothing much at all is allowed, at the moment.

Following the horoscope again.

I kid you not. I was delighted that my main source of cross-infection in the schools was kept going over the past few weeks. It would have been an uphill struggle for me otherwise.

I can only imagine that this was all a smokescreen in order to give themselves more time to get some world-beating solution or other up and running, or at least get people looking in another direction. It is as though beating the world was the point rather than beating me! Saps!

Your world is full of deniers (and that’s not a reference to nylons, dummy) and you even had Presidents talking about drinking or injecting bleach and pretending to shine a light where no light has ever been before. Men in charge pretended that I didn’t exist, as though it was the tooth fairy that was sneaking around at night and overwhelming their health services.

They told people to go out, to stay in, to exercise, to work, not to work, to travel and not to travel, to stay one metre apart, two meters apart, one metre plus apart, to wear masks, that there was no need to wear masks, and so on.

Here in the UK they said that the pubs should open, shut, partly open, partly close, shut early, shut later, sell takeaways only, and, daftest of all, that they could get away with all sorts of things if they just sold a scotch egg with every pint. No wonder I’m doing so well in dear old Blighty.

They set rules that they said everyone must follow, and then promptly broke them themselves – repeatedly! Just to reinforce public confidence you understand.

They put out contracts for protective gear to anyone who could prove that they didn’t have a track record of making it and were then surprised when I laughed at their equipment.

They had me going for a bit when they started up their test, track and trace system. That had severely knocked me back in some places. However, I needn’t have worried here in the UK. The startling ineptitude of those in charge let me off the hook in a spectacular way. This is without a doubt the most virus-friendly system I’ve come across – World Beating indeed!

All the while they have been working on vaccines, and make no mistake, I see these as a real threat. However, there are enough nut-jobs around to keep the potential infection pool large enough for me to survive in the population, and besides, I have been working too. I have developed new strains that have really put the cat among the pigeons – well you wouldn’t expect me to just sit on my laurels would you? I am a world-beating virus after all.

So while your leaders vacillate rather than vaccinate, and talk up a storm about how they won the gold medal for getting to approve a vaccine first (as if that bothers me), I was busy infecting mink to give them something else to think about and working on a few really potent new variants. I’m really pleased with one in particular that seems to be a real superspreader and , helped once again by the total ineptitude of your government, the prospects of this hitting the whole country over the next few weeks is pretty high.

Anyway, am I bothered? No!

Any bunch of clowns that announce that people will effectively be quarantined in their infection-ridden hometowns in eight hours time, and fails to imagine that this will spark the biggest exodus since Exodus, needs to have its head removed and taken to a place of safety before it too infects others with rampant stupidity. They will completely screw up rolling the vaccine out, indeed they have already sown really significant seeds of distrust by their behaviour so far.

Time for them to clutch at straws, to use mass tests that are known to be inaccurate, to go for a moonshot, or to pick up some other unlikely solution.

My own favourite is Cyto the sniffer Bloodhound who can sniff out the virus. I should go with that one if I were you. It is probably more reliable than your government.

I am reminded of the old ditty about Sally sitting on the seashore with the sea shells…

He smells T cells,

hiding in the thymus.

But the T-cells he smells

just maybe Rhinovirus.

Still. Long live the Vacillation programme.

Have a lovely Christmas and I expect I’ll be seeing many more of you on Boxing Day.


3 thoughts on “Why is everybody always picking on me? by Cyrus the Virus

  1. Good Morning Mick, Compliments of the festering season to you and your kin. This rant has made me smile on a crisp Christmas Day, Jonathan Pie himself couldn’t have put it better.
    Hope 2021 brings you much love and peace,


    1. Hi Raindog, compliments of the season to you and yours too! I really didn’t imagine that anyone would read it on Christmas day!
      Really nice to hear from you. We are spending our first ever Christmas one together after 30 odd years and it is pretty damn good.
      Keep safe and stay away from Cyrus!


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